The Challenge of Personal Change
As long as change does not come from the broken soul of someone who is willing to set aside all disingenuous thoughts, actions and deeds, it will simply result in only external change. The challenge of personal change is not, as we are frequently taught, getting the externals all lined up; it is breaking down, hitting the wall, destructing upon ourselves, only to be forced in the shambles of our life to realize what it is we really need most.
The Challenge of Personal Change
Have you ever known genuine darkness - the loss of direction in your life - a feeling that you have lost your way? Have you ever been so humbled over mistakes in your life - mistakes you do not know how to correct - that you feel you will never again be the good person you feel you are down deep? Have you ever seen someone else’s bad behavior only to realize that what you are really most horrified over is that you recognize yourself in their actions? These moments of realization are painful; an intimate pain that few of us can share with our closest of family and friends. It is in these moments in time that we are faced with not only the darkness, the hubris and the mistakes, but a choice: are we going to let these problems get the better of us, or are we willing to change?
Nothing is harder than genuine change. Many of us get wrapped up in exterior changes - changing our appearances, our possessions, sometimes even our spouse - because these things are especially easy to change in contemporary America and because our culture teaches us that what is outside is what makes us happy. Few realize these exterior changes not only have nothing to do with substantive change, but actually push us farther away from the necessarily painful internal changes that will make the biggest difference in our lives. As long as I think a new job or a promotion will cause the nagging disquiet in my soul go away, I am running away from my soul’s deepest desire to be known for what I truly am. Realizing who I am takes patience and solitude. It requires a quieted soul that has deliberately set aside the pleasures of entertainment and success in order to find my truest center. Spiritual reformation is not just the remaking of the heart; it is finding that which the soul most deeply desires - authenticity. As long as change does not come from the broken soul of someone who is willing to set aside all disingenuous thoughts, actions and deeds, it will simply result in only external change. The challenge of personal change is not, as we are frequently taught, getting the externals all lined up; it is breaking down, hitting the wall, destructing upon ourselves, only to be forced in the shambles of our life to realize what it is we really need most.
Have you been broken? Perhaps you do not need to be broken as I do. I need to be robbed of my idea that I am somehow special. I need to see the life immediately in front of me as that which holds out the greatest promise of happiness. I need to realize that my relationship with my wife, who loves me in spite of all of the mistakes and hurt I have caused her, can become something even more special and intimate if I change. Our world too often tells us that rather than pursue personal change, we should simply change our situation. Sometimes that is right. Toxic relationships have to be seen for what they are. But marriage is a powerful example of one of the challenges of personal change: can we see in our mind’s eye the potential beauty of a better marriage and choose to change? Can we picture a way of living where we are at peace with our spouse, our families, and most importantly ourselves? Can we picture a reality where the questions we have about God - perhaps even those that must go unanswered on this side of the veiled curtain of eternity - are left on the side of the road of life, set down for the deeper appreciation of what can be known; the beauty of creation, the love of another, the peace over knowing this world must be the gift of a loving Creator?
Have you stood at the precipice of personal change? Have you felt completely lost? Have you questioned everything that you once held dear? Have you wept at the thought of living any longer without purpose and direction? Of all the things that faith is used to describe, it is used too infrequently as a part of the challenge of personal change. Faith is not just a theological abstraction; it is a part of the decision to change. Faith is, in its own way, the visualization that things can be better than they are now if we will push ourselves to grow. The idea that my life can be different than it is now has no greater form than the idea that God exists.
Why do I write this? Because I am facing some of the biggest changes in my life that I ever have. And I hurt inside; I feel lost - I know the darkness of which I speak. I feel like shit over stupid mistakes I have made whose consequences I am living with. If I am honest, I am tired of struggling - of fighting to be something I am not. The “something” that I actually am, is really a demon I struggle with every day - the demon of my past. This demon is not entirely of my doing; but that does not really matter - it is mine and mine alone to deal with. Today, I can not say I can be what I really am because what I really am is that demon. Yes, personal growth has beat back the demon, but only to a point. Daily I have to fight this demon back, hoping I win more battles than I lose. My hope - what I have my faith in? That someday I actually will be who I am pretending to be today and that the demon is no longer who I am.
Personal change means something different to each of us. For some of us it is simple and one-dimensional. For others it involves peeling back layers of hurt that you are innocent of; wrongs that have been done to you and left you unable to trust that others will accept you as you really are. Some people give up trying to change. Some people spend their lives picking away small pieces of change, never realizing the final authenticity they desire. Others are broken on the rocks of life, leaving them in pieces. If you are in pieces you are not alone, and you may be closer to real change than you realize. Find solitude, quiet your soul, and begin working on the faith that somewhere in the pieces is the core of your authentic self, a self you can love and that others will love with you.
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About MysteriousFaith
“If anyone can show me, and prove to me, that I am wrong in thought or deed, I will gladly change. I seek the truth, which never yet hurt anybody. It is only persistence in self-delusion and ignorance which does harm.”
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January 26th, 2005 at 1:40 pm
Very well written, though painful to read. Are you finding yourself any closer to God than you have before? How has faith played a part in your desire to change, or your ability to believe that change, for you, is possible?
January 26th, 2005 at 8:10 pm
I find myself being more honest about what a relationship with God means. For too long I have had a view of God and of prayer that assumes God will change me or my situation. As a child I had people all around me who talked about their personal relationships with God in ways I longed for. I worked and worked on what it was they told me worked for them, and never had the same experiences. I finally, about six months ago, stopped pretending. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe in how we are reformed as we respond to His ultimate reality? Absolutely. But I believe I have a responsibility, even the primary responsibility, for making these things transpire.
For me, as I said in my essay, faith right now plays the role of projecting out the hope of what I can become. It is the belief that I can change into a person I believe is closer to authenticity and rationality (framed within a childhood of emotionalism and irrationality).
My commitment (as long as I have this web site) is to chroncile this journey. I don’t believe I am the only one struggling, the only one who doesn’t “get” the language of such a personal God in the face of our ambiguous spiritual experience. I am on a journey and may very well reflect with the passage of time on these essays as being immature or premature. But I believe I will have helped others and worked towards authenticity as I talk candidly about these struggles.