Book Review: Pornified
Pornography has become so ubiquitous that it can now be rightly called a part of our common culture. Female porn stars, and not soft core stars the likes of Pamela Anderson, regularly make the leap from their adult film status to rock video icons, spokes models, best selling book authors and advertising mavens. We have so perfected human sexuality as to make its visceral appeal to the average man next to impossible to resist. Men who, in an effort to be honest, are willing to acknowledge the sexual gravity they feel pull them when walking through Barnes & Noble or stand next to the magazine rack at the 7/11, often find themselves confused over their conflicting emotions. To pretend the images are not provocative, exciting and even compelling seems to only build an interior wall of denial that will break in an unhealthy fashion at some point down the road. But to pretend that what we are drawn to is the ideal, or even that what this draw is based on is necessarily healthy for the culture at large, requires a man to position himself as a prude or disconnected from his own sexuality. It is into this cultural quagmire that Pamela Paul steps in with her book Pornified: how Pornography is Transforming our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families.
For those men who recognize that pornography, while being titillating, incredibly exciting, very interesting and arousing, is also not a good thing, it is difficult to stake out a meaningful position on this issue. Perhaps next only to the question of ultimate meaning as enveloped in prognostications about God, the question of human sexuality may be our next most complicated topic. While our religious identity encompasses who we hope to be, but may not become until some later life, our sexual identity draws in who we are at the most intimate of levels, and how we actually express ourselves physically. Unlike the hope of religion, sexual hope is more approachable and, for some, more attainable. Sexual hope, in particular the false hope of pornography, holds out the promise of a certain sexual coupling that “could happen” (granted the stars would certainly have to align in a specific way). For those who regularly use pornography, hope becomes habit, and healthy sexuality can become a distant memory to exploitive fantasy.
The primary emphasis of Paul’s book is to present the argument that pornography is not an innocent expression of human sexuality for anyone – the men who use it (or women as she points out, although rare in fact), or those participating in the creation of pornographic materials. Pornography necessarily cheapens the act of sex and in doing so, not only reduces the act to bare mechanics but robs sexuality of its relational dimension. In doing this, pornography becomes a device that distances people from their own relational needs, and if they are married, from the relational needs of their spouses.
Another complication to pornography that Paul touches on is the difficulty men have in bifurcating between the perfectly designed and always-willing porn star and their wives. The example Paul uses is men who have become so accustomed to internet pornography’s presentation of content explicitly designed for their tastes, they lose their desire to engage their wives emotionally or physically. In Paul’s book, many women describe their husbands not only as sexually distanced, but emotionally detached. The idea that within five minutes a man can find on-line exactly his taste in a woman, her attributes and sexual position is contrasted to his reality of having to stay with one woman, her attributes, sexual predilections and her need to be relationally involved with him before the act of sex. Paul, not attempting to be humorous, talks about how many men she talked to confessed they had fallen for the ultimate joke of pornography – that the woman UPS driver does not ring the door bell and proceed to engage you in passionate sex when you answer the door dressed in your bath robe and bunny slippers. As funny as this may seem, at first pause we can see that pornography’s immediacy sets the expectation for the person engaged in its grip that “other” people have sex at the drop of the UPS-box as it were. Pornography can easily become to healthy relationships what junk food can become to a healthy diet. It is rare indeed that what is easiest to reach for does not become that which we in fact reach for when we seek satisfaction.
For those men who manage to live fantasy lives based on pornography and still stay in a relationship, most confess to wishing their partner looked like a particular porn star or that their sex life fit a specific fantasy. Many men who would like you to believe they can discriminate between what is fantasy and what is reality; however, what appeals at a visceral level is what we gravitate to when our most basic of wants has to be expressed. It is foolishness to think we can luxuriate in thoughts of sexuality that is not ours to have, then say these fantasies become nothing more than whimsical projections; they are desire, and desire has an odd way of shaping what we actually reach for. Here, Paul quotes Zillman’s study of the “satisfaction dilemma of pornography”:
“What has been labeled ‘pornotopia’ tells [men] what joys they might, could and should experience. As pornography features beautiful bodies in youthful, at times acrobatic, sexual interactions during which nothing short of ecstasy is continually expressed, consumers of such entertainment are readily left with the impression that ‘others get more’ and that whatever they themselves have in their intimate relationship is less than what it should be. This comparison, of which pornography consumers may or may not be fully aware, is bound to foster sexual dissatisfaction or greatly enhance already existing dissatisfaction.” (page 90)
I would propose a very simple test for us men to engage in: go purchase a Maxim magazine and a Men’s Fitness magazine. Take your favorite picture of the most voluptuous model from Maxim; now, pick the most equally physically attractive man from the Men’s Fitness magazine. Put them both next to one another and ask yourself if you would really like your wife to need to visualize the male model every time she had sex with you. Would it cheapen you? Would you be willing to have her throw your way the barbs you throw hers? How hurt would you be at knowing her loss in desire for you was based only on you no longer fulfilling a visual fantasy she had? If your response is that it is acceptable for you to have higher standards than your spouse should have of you, the immediacy of your selfishness should be obvious as should be the implication to living in a world where what we desire knows no equality or boundaries.
In the latter part of the book, Paul’s desire to highlight the problems of pornography leads her to discuss the really disgusting possibilities with internet pornography. This is not a mistake on Paul’s part as any committed sociological analysis has to go where the data and anecdotal evidence takes it. The nuance in her analysis that was not present that I would have appreciated was for her to delve into why some men give themselves over to pornography to such an extent they become sexual deviants. I believe Paul wants to alert people to the dangerous material on-line to anyone which I took away as one of the primary points of this book; however, Paul could have done a better job presenting what takes place between the millions of regular users of pornography and those who become deviants. By allowing this distinction to go unaddressed, causality is implied that is not in evidence. When Paul was discussing the latter situations – of which she must unfortunately do and in the act of doing so introduce us to things many of us would just as soon never be aware existed – she can make the mistake of the well-known interview between James Dobson and Ted Bundy. Prior to his imminent execution Bundy “found Jesus” and made his way to an interview with James Dobson where, in addition to pronouncing his new-found faith he also stated his kidnapping, rape and serial murdering went back to his pornography addiction. This causality has been universally rejected by criminal psychologists who have unequivocally stated that serial murderers do not need pornography in order begin the thinking that leads to their rape and murder sprees – such an example overlooks the much more difficult psychiatric disorders (perhaps even genetic neurological issues) that allow prolific rape and killing to take place.
One problem to the ubiquity of pornography in American culture Paul does not explore is its affect on the homosexual rights movement. Pornography is an insidious ill in no small part because it is consumed by so many otherwise conservative religious men. If the statistics are to be trusted, over 50% of American Christian evangelical men regularly view pornography on-line, in-print or in pay-per-view movies; the social implications to a large group of Christian men whose sexuality is being expressed through on-line discretions are not limited only to their families, the implications also include their ability to clearly think through those questions in society that are inherently sexual in nature. Christian morality certainly does not encompass a sexual morality that incorporates pornography, and these men are no doubt aware of this the moment after their post-porno-coital release. Hence the anger, frustration and self-loathing for these men that Paul is able to document in her book. This tension does not go unresolved, and is in many cases redirected towards other forms of human sexuality that can easily serve as the objects within which sexual guilt can be directed into. Homosexuality predominantly provides this release; rather than wrestle with the nuanced questions of whether a person is born gay or not, or what it would mean to accommodate people of the same sex who love those of the same sex, people suffering from pornography as an affliction channel their self-loathing into denying any truth to questions of homosexuality identity, rights and privileges.
The question of how modern society views human sexuality is a point that the American religious conservative movement has insight into: they are right to point out that our sexuality is ultimately a very intimate and inherently provocative expression of ourselves and as such, is not to be taken lightly. They are also right to stress the relational dimension of sexuality above the mechanics of sexuality; whether all the boundaries they draw up around human sexuality (pre-marital virginity and the Catholic Church’s position on contraception as just two examples) are realistic is a different question. Unfortunately for homosexuals, the religious community’s perception of human sexuality as being broken in contemporary culture encompasses both understandable vices like pornography with the deep questions associated to homosexuality. As long as the question of homosexuality serves as a beard for questions over our sexuality embedded in behaviors the Church’s male members are guilty of, it is unlikely the voices that resist reasoned dialogue over homosexuality will diminish.
The final issue Paul did not explore that I believe would have been worthwhile is a projection on where the cultural fixation with pornography will lead to. If we assume that men’s fantasy will increasingly become the expected if unspoken reality, we have only begun to see the impact on families in general and on women specifically. In addition, if Paul is right and pornography too many times hides a latent hostility towards women – or even an unhelpful and dangerous objectification of women – the rights of women may be in for a setback. Cultural centers of gravity are rarely isolated from each other. If we look at the prevalence and acceptability of explicit pornography and the cultural center of gravity it suggests relative to women, and we contrast that with broader questions of women’s rights in society, it is difficult to believe they parallel one another productively. The objectification of women as sexual objects whose purpose is to sexually avail herself immediately to a man with no effort on his part other than erectile function is not consistent with the liberation of women; it is inconsistent with a culture that understands its past sin in the repression of women’s rights by focusing on women for what they have that men do not (breasts and a vagina) versus insights, values, and contributions unique to their viewpoints as human beings separate from men.
What are we to do with respect to the question of pornography? First, men need to begin making different choices. This issue is not going to be meaningfully addressed only by legislation; although, given the ease by which graphic materials can be accessed currently on-line without payment or identification, some legislation on these matters would lower usage by adult men not wanting to explain questionable credit card purchases. If men care about their families, their wives specifically, they need to remind themselves of the parts of being in love that are balanced on commitment, acceptance, and walking the path together. Men need to learn that expressing themselves sexually may mean monogamy, but it does not mean having to let go their desires. This realization would be much more likely if men were to appreciate the double-standards they have for their wives and their bodies. Second, it is time for some restrictions on the ease and availability of internet pornography. It would be impossible or particularly problematic to introduce standards for accessing material no different from having to be 18, and show proof, to get cigarettes or being 21 to get alcohol. Society needs to come to grips with the destructive implications to a twelve year old internet savvy boy getting his hands on graphic pornography and allowing that habit to build and solidify itself. This is something we should protect him from, society from, and the women he will be surround by from. Third, we should recognize that healthy sexuality involves exploration and that some exploration is going to be off-color and many times involve risqué materials, but learn to delineate between adolescent enthusiasms over a naked lady, from much more graphic representations.
Simply put, we need to recognize the common sense that a Playboy is a far cry from the majority of materials now widely available on the internet. None of these choices are perfect, but choices society makes rarely are. The implications to Paul’s Pornified world are soulless, heartless and minus any means of having a healthy relationship. It is time to show discipline in a part of our culture that has gotten out of control.
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September 28th, 2005 at 10:28 am
Great article Ben! I wish I had read your accurate breakdown of Paul’s work before I read the book, as it would have saved me time!
September 29th, 2005 at 12:19 pm
A good discussion on this is article and topic is taking place at http://mauricebroaddus.proboards24.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=1127515073&page=1 and at http://wordsofwrath.blogspot.com/2005/09/i-like-porn.html … check them out as you get the time.
September 29th, 2005 at 7:09 pm
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